Going Back To Work After 10 Years Of SAHM Life

My selfie before my first day of work so many years ago...

When I got married, I quit my job.

When I got divorced, I went back to work—because I needed to pay for my HDB.

Looking back now, it has been nine years since I stepped back into the workforce.

I still remember the moment my ex asked for a divorce. One of the first things I did was call HDB as we had applied for a BTO. The officer mentioned that as long as we only got divorced after getting the keys to our flat, we will be able to keep the flat. I was also told that even if my ex wanted to transfer his share of the flat to me, I would still need 6 months of income slip to qualify for a bank loan.

That was when reality settled in.

I needed a job. And I needed it fast. We were going to get our keys in a few months.

So a few months before PSLE, I suddenly told my son that I was going back to work.

He didn’t take it well. He couldn’t understand why I would choose that particular moment—right before one of the biggest exams of his life.

But I couldn’t tell him the real reason.

I couldn’t tell him that his father had already asked for a divorce.

So I told him something that was true… but not the whole truth.

I told him that I had spent many years dedicating my life to the family, and in doing so, I had neglected building a life of my own. And that wasn’t healthy.

I explained that if I didn’t start creating something for myself, one day—when he grows up, gets married, and builds his own life—I might end up depending on him. And that wouldn’t be fair to him.

Even as I said it, I knew there was a deeper truth underneath.

Somewhere inside, before I could fully admit it to myself, I knew I needed to stand on my own two feet again.

Ace asked if I could wait—just until after his PSLE.

I told him I would try.

But life doesn’t always move according to what we’re ready for.

Things shifted quickly. Priorities changed. And suddenly, going back to work wasn’t something I could ease into—it was something I needed to do.

I remember praying for a job, holding on to a quiet certainty that something would come.

And it did.

Within two weeks, I got an offer.

It felt almost too perfect.

An MNC in the east, not too far from home. Reasonable hours—I could knock off at 5:30 most days. And when I started, I found something even more important: kind colleagues, an understanding boss, a space that felt… safe to rebuild.

When I told Ace I got the job, he was upset.

For two days, he was rude to me in the way only hurt children can be. He told me he didn’t understand why I needed to work—his dad could provide, could take care of me.

And I remember pausing.

Because I knew this wasn’t about the job.

It was about security. About his world shifting in ways he couldn’t control or fully understand.

So I told him, as best as I could,
“Even if someone can take care of you, you cannot depend on that forever. A woman needs to be able to stand on her own two feet.”

I didn’t tell him that I was in the process of doing exactly that.

Instead, I told him this: that going to work was part of me working on myself, building a better life—for me, and for him.

On my first day of work, I bought him a small surprise snack.

Maybe I was trying to soften the change.

Or maybe I just wanted him to feel that even though something in our lives was shifting, my love for him hadn’t.

Over time, something unexpected happened. He adjusted.

Not immediately. Not perfectly. But gradually.

He became more independent. He started helping out at home—washing dishes, keeping track of his own schedule. His attitude in school improved.

There was a quiet growing-up that took place in those weeks.

And I realised something then—

Children often rise to the life we give them.

We kept one ritual. Every morning, I would walk him to school.

Even after I started work, even when mornings became rushed, I held on to that time. I told him I could only walk him halfway now—but still, we walked.

That short stretch became ours. Our space. Our grounding.

One week, my boss from the US was in town, and I had to leave early. I couldn’t walk him for a few days.

When Friday came and I finally could again, he held my hand tightly the whole way. I asked him, "Didnt you ask me not to hold your hand because it is embarrassing?"

"Who cares..." he replied. He didn’t say much more. He just smiled. And in that quiet moment, I understood something I hadn’t fully seen before.

Going back to work was never just about money.

It wasn’t even just about independence.

It was about rebuilding a life from the ground up—and learning how to love each other through that change.

Looking back now, going back to work was one of the first steps I took into a completely new chapter of my life.

At the time, it felt sudden, messy, and reactive.

But in truth, it was the beginning of something much deeper.

It was the beginning of me choosing myself again.

And in the process, I think Ace learned something too.

That love doesn’t mean everything stays the same.

Sometimes, love means growing—even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it changes everything—and trusting that the bond between us will hold.

Are you going through something similar?

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

Book a Free Call Learn More

Fighting Parents

Years ago, I read a book and translated a Chinese book one by one of my teachers into English.. the book titled Love and Reconciliation is about a psychology model used to explain how family dynamics in the family and how parents and even our ancestors have a direct or indirect impact on our lives, our life pattern and our actions.

The book states that as in every system, there has to be some sort of order and hierarchy. The same goes for our family system. So the parents, having come into the family first will be "bigger" in this sense and the children, having come to the family later will be "smaller".

But whenever the mum and dad gets into a quarrel, sometimes one of the partners unconsciously want the drag the child into the quarrel and manipulate them or make use of the child to attack their partners.

 

Sometimes, the child himself, will unconsciously start to take sides and may try to help by taking on the anger the parents feel for each other. 

As a result, the child is affected and not just he will have many unexplained emotional outbursts towards the father or mother, he may also lose interest in his studies.. the effects are far reaching and may even affect the relationship between him and his wife when he gets married!

I remember that something happened years ago to drive this point in. I remember so clearly because I actually wrote this down somewhere!:) 

I was working hard on my translation and had only slept at 4am in the morning. I got woken up unwillingly when my son started playing Kinect loudly on TV.

When I walked into my bathroom, the whole bathroom was in disarray! It looked as if someone tried  to rob the toilet. There were opened bottles, toothpaste with their contents spilled everywhere. And to add to that, my towel on the floor beside the toilet bowl!

Boy was I mad!

I asked my son if he did this and he said he didn't. This must mean someone else came home late after drinking and got too drunk!

Against my better judgement, I started grumbling to my son about the incident... "Why did he throw my towel on the floor next to the toilet bowl???? go throw your own towel... why throw mine?????"

But shortly after I complained, I started to have the awareness of what I was doing.. I was manipulating my son into taking sides! So I stopped. 

When his dad woke, we sorted it out and I forgave him.

But in my son's mind, we did not come to a conclusion.. so when we went out, he was pouting all the way. I asked him why he was pouting and he said he is upset because we are fighting and haven't made up yet. I told him then that I had forgiven Daddy already and once he is certain we are really ok already.. he was his happy self again.

I then shared with my son what I learnt in the book.. that when our parents are in a fight, as children, because it is not in our position to interfere, we should not take sides or take it upon ourselves to resolve it. Cos this is their fight and we have to respect the way they interact with each other and just love them no matter what. 

"So if me and daddy ever do quarrel again, you must remember that this is between us and has got nothing to do with you. You do not need to do anything. Just love us and trust us to sort it out ourselves.. ok?"

At 7 years old, I don't know how much he understood but I am glad I read the book and caught on to what I was doing before he became anything big or ugly... 

I think for a healthy marriage, this can still be quite easy to do. However, if this were happening in the midst or towards the start of a divorce, it might feel quite challenging to remain neutral and not get our children to take sides. 

I recalled at the start of our discussions about divorce, I couldn't wait to tell the whole world what a bad guy he was and how wrong he was. The only thing that was holding me back and motivating me to remain neutral is how after so many years of personal development workshops, I am very clear how the biggest loser in a big fight between parents will always be the child. 

So the next time you are in a fight, for the sake of the happiness of your child, keep the arguments within yourself and dont forget to remind your child that this has nothing to do with them and they can help by just sending good loving thoughts. 

Are you going through something similar?

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

Book a Free Call Learn More

Grief Doesn’t Get Easier

I used to think that if I learned enough about death, did enough inner work, and faced loss with enough presence, I’d eventually get good at grieving—that experience would make it easier “the next time.”

Five losses later—across four grandparents and my father—I’ve learned the opposite. Grief doesn’t get easier with practice. It doesn’t follow what you learned the last time.

But it does teach you—each time—a different way to love someone all the way to the end.

I was lucky, in a way, to be born with all four grandparents still alive—extra people to dote on me, shower me with gifts, and love me deeply. Friends who didn’t know their grandparents always envied that.

Ye Ye

The first death I experienced was my paternal grandfather’s—Ye Ye.

He always doted on us. During Chinese New Year, we’d play ban lak together. If we lost, he would pay for us. If we won, we got to keep the money.

Every school holiday, when we stayed at my grandparents’ house, he would buy us treats or pretty stationery. He was healthy, cycling every day to his fruit stall. Then he retired. And when cancer came, it came fast. He was diagnosed with throat cancer, and almost overnight, he could no longer eat or speak.

At 20, I didn’t know how to face death. I just kept visiting him—not even because I wanted to, but because I felt it was a way to support my grandmother, whom I was very close to.

The night before he passed, he took a turn for the worse. At 4 a.m., the whole family gathered. But after a while, his breathing steadied, and we returned to our routines. I even went to school for a tutorial I couldn’t miss.

On my way back, my pager rang nonstop while I sat stuck on a bus along the highway. Back then, there were no mobile phones. There was no way to call back.

By the time I reached my grandmother’s house, my worst fear had come true. He had already passed. When I saw him, his body was cold.

That was when I learned about 回光返照—a brief rally before the end.

I also learned that grief can feel like numbness, that it truly hits when the body is pushed into the fire… and that it comes in waves you don’t expect.

For months after, I would pause whenever I saw an old man his age. Grief doesn’t announce itself politely. It hides in ordinary moments and ambushes you.

Ah Gong

My next brush with death was my maternal grandfather’s.

He didn’t live with us. My memories of him are of a gentle man who visited a few times a year, always bringing gifts. Sometimes, we had to go downstairs to meet him because my grandmother didn’t like to see him.

I don’t remember much about his passing except the shock of learning he had another family elsewhere only at the funeral. When I was much younger, my mother said Ah Gong slept in his taxi when I asked her why he didnt stay with us. When I got older and asked again, she just left it as "he is staying with a friend..." and I always thought of that friend as a male housemate. So it was really a surprise for me to see this whole other family at a very awkward funeral.

I still felt sad at his cremation—but I didn’t miss him the way I missed Ye Ye.

And that taught me something too: grief isn’t uniform. It doesn’t arrive the same way for every loss. Closeness shapes it as much as death does.

Ah Ma

A few years later, my paternal grandmother—Ah Ma—fell ill.

We were very close. Every time we visited, she would cook our favorite dishes—fried sotong balls, braised chicken, pig tail soup. When we stayed over, she would take everyone’s breakfast orders the night before—even if all eight cousins wanted eight different things—and she would queue to buy them all.

After Ye Ye passed, she moved closer to us. Later, she would even help feed my young son. 

Then one day, she went out and didn’t come home.

She had gone to visit her brother but forgot where she was going. When she finally returned, she explained she had suddenly lost her bearings and only regained clarity hours later.

That was the beginning of her dementia.

She stopped recognizing us. I would tell her who I was each time I saw her, knowing how frustrating it must be not to remember.

And then, eventually, she forgot that she couldn’t remember.

But I learned something else: people with dementia still remember love.

There was a period when she was hospitalized for months. I visited every morning at 10 a.m. One day, I couldn’t go. The next day, her helper told me that at exactly 10 a.m., she had asked, “Where is Ah Joo?”—my nickname. She hadn’t recognized me in years.

As her condition worsened, she could no longer swallow food. Yet she still worried about me—why I only had one child, whether I wanted Milo. Even then, she was giving.

Eventually, she caught a hospital infection.

By then, I had started doing personal development work and learning about death. My teacher, Lency, shared something that changed how I would face loss forever.

Most people are afraid of death. So when someone is dying, we pull away.

But that’s when they need us most.

Instead of retreating, we are meant to move closer—to love, to let go of regret, to forgive ourselves for what we didn’t do well enough.

I tried to live that out with Ah Ma.

And still, I missed her terribly.

I would be in the middle of yoga and suddenly catch the scent of her soap and start crying. But over time, something shifted. I still missed her—but I could think of her with more love than pain.

Daddy

My father loved us deeply—there was never any doubt.

He once promised my mother he wouldn’t interfere when she disciplined us. So when she scolded or caned us, he stayed silent—but his face would darken, and he would stop speaking to her for days instead.

He was that kind of man.

As a grandfather, he would force himself to stand at the stove—despite weak legs—to cook my son’s favorite “black black noodles.” After my divorce, he quietly made lunch appointments with my son, just to make sure he was eating well.

When my mother told him about my divorce, he didn’t say a word to me. But he asked her constantly how I was doing. That was his way of caring.

He had poor health, but I always thought we had more time—maybe even enough for him to see my son graduate.

Then COVID came.

The hospital called us to come quickly. By the time I arrived, the doctor waited for me to put on my protective gear before telling me he had already passed.

I didn’t get to see him one last time.

Three days earlier, we had a video call—he looked like he was getting better.

And then suddenly, he was gone.

Grieving without touch—without presence—was its own kind of pain.

I tried to focus on his love rather than how he left. But grief kept surprising me. Just when I thought I had healed, it would return.

It took me a full year to feel the anger beneath the sadness—anger at him for leaving, for “abandoning” us by dying.

Logically, it made no sense. And given that I am now almost an EXPERT in letting go of my loved ones, it didn't make sense to me why I was still feeling all these emotions after so long. But the heart doesn’t listen to logic. It takes its own time.

Even now, there are moments when I think of him, and tears come without warning. I do miss him and I do still feel a connection to him and I guess one will always feel their parents' love no matter what.

Popo

My maternal grandmother—Popo—was always healthy.

Because she lived with us, she was part of our daily life. She woke us up, made breakfast, cooked when my mother was busy. Her hobby was housework. She followed her routines faithfully.

She also gave generously.

Even on a housekeeper’s salary, she would pay for things around the house—a new TV, a new sofa—without hesitation.

Even when she developed dementia, she never stopped caring for us.

When doctors told me she had a year left, part of me believed I was ready. That I knew how to grieve by now.

So I chose to go closer. I spent time with her. I let myself feel her love fully, and I released the guilt and attachment I might once have held.

When she passed—peacefully, surrounded by family—I still wasn’t ready to let her go.

But this time, something was different.

There were fewer regrets.

She died with dignity. Even in illness, she never stopped loving. And in that, she showed me what it means to have a good death.

What Grief Taught Me

Five losses in, I no longer believe grief is something you master.

Experience doesn’t make it smaller or more predictable. It teaches you how to show up—with more honesty, more courage, more love.

Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. It circles back when you least expect it—years later, in a scent, in a stranger, in a fleeting memory.

The goal was never to finish grieving.

It was to keep choosing love—even while grieving—and to let that be enough.

Are you going through something similar?

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

Book a Free Call Learn More

What Past Clients Say About Me

"Working with Angel helped me uncover the hidden beliefs that were holding me back from taking action. By uncovering the root cause of my resistance, I've broken the cycle of procrastination and am seeing tangible, positive results in both my work and personal life. She is incredible at holding space"

— Nicholas, Singapore

"Angel always has the right questions to ask, the patience to see me through a difficult task, and boundless good energy. She makes the big tasks seem less daunting and always offers just the right amount of guidance for us to set our own paths straight again."

— Jau Chern, Singapore

"I found my answer for a long-term problem with a family member in just one session with Angel. This has helped me move forward with so much more ease and joy. She is definitely your go-to coach if you are seeking clarity whilst journeying through life's challenges."

— Kelly, Taiwan

"Angel is my favorite person to speak with when I have an issue that I cannot unravel. The space she creates in the coaching session allows me to really reflect on the issue deeply and find the underlying reasons. And her clear, concise suggestions, delivered with openness and humor helps me get to the heart of the issue easily and with less fear."

— Lene, Singapore

"Angel has a very authentic way of coaching. She is a careful listener, 'hears' between the lines, uses her humour at appropriate times and is not afraid to hold quiet space for the client to think and process. Even being a coach myself, she always comes up with surprising stuff that really gets my brain going."

— Carmen, Singapore

Are you going through something similar?

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

Book a Free Call Learn More

Coaching FAQ

How will I know if I need coaching?

Anyone can benefit from coaching. You do not have to "need coaching" to benefit from it.

Coaching tends to resonate best and feel right with people who are looking to transform something in their lives or to move forward in some area of their lives.

If you are facing some sort of challenge or stress about anything in your life, or if you are feeling in a rut in some area of your life, coaching will be helpful for you.

However, even for people who are not facing any major obstacles in life, they will find themselves getting more out of life and enjoying greater success than before if they are committed to a coaching relationship for some time.

Is coaching guaranteed to deliver results?

Coaching helps you to move forward in your life as long as you take accountability for your action plans and follow through with them to meet your goals.

Life coaches go through extended training and are well trained in a variety of methodologies to move you towards your desired goal. Every session will see you moving forward in your desired direction and will allow you to bring something new home such as a new mindset or a new action plan.


By incorporating these simple steps into your life, you are most certain to take a step forward to the success you desire.

What happens during a coaching session?

There are a few ways a coaching session can take place- face to face, over the phone or via Zoom. I do most sessions via Zoom or phone so my clients can speak to me in the comfort and privacy of their own home.

A coaching session will usually last between 50-60 minutes.

The coach will start the session by understanding the client's current situation or issues and find out where the client will like to be at the end of the session. The coach will then clarify and identify obstacles that are holding the client back and work with the client to remove them.

At the end of each session, we will recap what we have gone through and identify the takeaways from the sessions and how the client can best leverage on what they have learnt in an applicable manner. Some simple action plans will be created so that the clients can continue to move forward in between sessions.

How can I know that you will ensure the privacy of my information?

An an iPEC and ICF certified coach, it is part of our ethics to never repeat what you shared in confidence to others. Your details and your conversations with us will be kept confidential and we will take reasonable steps to ensure that this information stays safe.

On the average, how long do clients work with a coach?

If you are trying out coaching for the first time or have not been coached in the last 12 months, it is usually advisable to to work with your coach on a weekly or bi-weekly sessions for at least 6-12 sessions so you can consistently work on shifting your perceptions, mindsets or limiting beliefs.

Consistent reminders about the new mindset and belief can help it sink in and remain strongly anchored, eventually becoming the “new normal”.

Sometimes, a negative belief can be very deeply rooted and it may take a few sessions to work on them in different ways for a more permanent change.

Most people will find themselves feeling more successful, fulfilled and happy after these 9-12 sessions and will naturally choose to continue working with their coaches.

For those who wish to build a stable and strong foundation for their personal growth and move upwards to the next level in their lives, it is advisable to continue working with your coach after that on a monthly basis for another 12-18 months.

It is also totally fine if you feel that you are in a good space and want to stop coaching. It really depends on the client.

I have a client, a successful businessman, who worked with me for 12 sessions and kept asking to add more session at the end. Eventually, we went on with the weekly sessions for almost a year at his request because he saw the value of coaching in his life and his business.

How do I know if you are a right fit for me?

You can get a feel of my style and strengths by reading what my clients say about me.

But the best way to find out if we are a good fit will be to sign up for a Discovery Session. During the session, we will spend some time so you can be clear about how I can support you in solving your life challenges and how working with me might be different from some other strategies you have tried.

You can also have a feel of our "chemistry" and see if working with me feels right for you.

Ready To Get STarted?

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

Book a Free Call Learn More

How Deep Breathing Can Help You Destress

In recent months, I had an episode where I felt really tired all the time.

No matter what time I slept, when I woke up, I still felt tired. At the end of the day, I just felt totally drained. 

And as I looked inwards, I discovered that the culprit was stress. 

I had been going through a difficult time where I had to hang around someone who was constantly in attack mode. Usually, my mantra would be to "Keep Calm And Carry On". However, as there were some work deadlines at hand, my stress level went up a notch. 

During a coaching session I had, (yes, coaches receive coaching too), I realized that I was feeling so tired because I was constantly in a Fight or Flight mode. It took so much energy to keep my defenses up at all time. I took some time to deal with that and I could feel my energy coming back slowly.

The recovery process accelerated when when I learnt how to breathe from a teacher and friend! 

Deep Breathing

This breathing method helps you to go deeper into peace and helps you relief yourself of pent up stress. 

1. Breathe in through the nose slowly and then breathe out through the mouth slowly.. Remember to relax your jaw. Repeat 3 times. (This is also a cool move I use during coaching to help my clients center themselves or come back to their peace) 
   
   
2. Now you continue to breathe in and imagine that the breath goes through your nose.. to the top of your head then flow behind your head, down your spine into your lower ribs at the back of your body
   
   We have these two movable ribs at the bottom of your ribcage (where the red arrows point) that do not go around to the front of our torso and when we breathe into them, they expand.
   
   
3. Repeat and keep breathing into the area shown in the arrow and feel your ribs that are attached to your spine in that area expanding outwards as you breathe in.. and contracting when you breathe out. If you put your hands on your waist as you breathe, you will be able to feel the expansion and contraction.
   
   
4. When you breathe out, you can make a sound like "ah...." to release pent up stress..
   
   
5. Bonus hack: If you have a pain in your body while exercising or over stretching, you can also find relief by using this breathing. After your breadth goes to your lower ribs at the spine, feel them travel to the part of your body that is in pain. Repeat for a few breadths to see improvement. I actually find myself getting more flexible when I use this breathing technique during my yoga classes,

Recovery Breathing

If for some reason, you are feeling super tired or find it hard to sleep. Or maybe you didnt sleep well the night before, you can practice this breathing technique to help your body go into recovery mode. 

Doing this will help to calm your nervous system down and allow body to recalibrate and rejuvenate. 

Apparently, 10min in this pose like sleeping for 2 hours. I tried it and it works. I shared this with a friend who had insomnia and she mentioned that it helped her too.

You will need to practice deep breathing for a minute or so before you start on Recovery Breathing.

1. After you get used to breathing to your back.. now you can lie down on the floor and raise your legs up and rest your calfs either on your chair, sofa or bed... To help the energy flow better, you can place a small thick towel or a small cushion at your pelvis area.
   
   As you do deep breathing and inhale, you help the energy flow down from your legs, to your heart and then to your head. This adds on to the rejuvenation.
   
   
2.  You keep breathing to your back and you put your hands at the part of your tummy area near the part where your legs are bent. left hand on left side and right hand on right side... the arms of your hands should still be supported by the floor
   
   
3. As you breathe deeply into your back,  you now move into a rhythm.... Breathe in, Pause, Breathe Out, Pause. This is called Square breathing.
   
   You only breathe in when you totally exhale all the air.
   
   Take your time to breathe in and breathe out slowly and let your pauses be the same length as your in and out. So think of it like square... in, pause, out, pause... length of each step is the same. 
   
   
4. As you repeat, this you feel your back sink in deeper deeper into the floor... and your head getting more and more relaxed and going deeper and deeper into the floor. As you breathe out, just relax a little bit more than you did previously.
   
   
5. As you breathe out, you can also imagine all the stress and tiredness leaving your body through your feet.
   
   
6. Repeat and stay in this position for a few minutes.
    
7. For best benefit, do this for 5 min a day when you wake and 5 min a day before you sleep.
   

Looking for coaching as a way to improve your heatlh?

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

Book a Free Call Learn More

If It’s Not Your Job, Don’t Do It

 

We often hear that going above and beyond is the fastest way to grow at work. But what if constantly stepping in is actually taking away accountability, draining your energy, and creating unintended consequences? In this reflection, I explore why setting clearer boundaries has helped me become more intentional, effective, and at peace—at work and in life.

I’ve been practicing a new strategy at work recently:

“If it is not your job, don’t do it.”

Before you judge the statement (and maybe me) as selfish or uncooperative, hear me out.

Anyone who has worked with me will know that I am naturally helpful. I step in, I support, and if I can’t help directly, I’ll find someone who can. Being a team player has never been a question for me. Which is exactly why this shift surprised me.
The conversation that changed my mind

This started over a simple lunch conversation with a teammate.

We were discussing a familiar workplace scenario:

A task needs to be done. The timeline is tight. The person responsible is unavailable—or overloaded. Do you step in?

My instinctive answer was “yes.”

My teammate’s answer was immediate: “No. If it is not your job, don’t do it. That is the right thing to do.”

That perspective challenged me because it was the complete opposite of how I operate. So I sat with it and started to explore it.

What I discovered

1. Help can unintentionally remove accountability
In any organization, someone is meant to be accountable for every task.

If we routinely step in and do someone else’s job:

We remove their opportunity to be responsible
We blur ownership
We create dependency instead of capability

Sometimes, helping too quickly actually delays growth—ours and others’.

2. Every “small” task has a real cost
Even the smallest task takes:

• Time
• Mental bandwidth
• Emotional energy

When we constantly take on work outside our scope, we lose visibility of our true capacity.

I started to think of it like budgeting:

If you track your spending, you manage money better
If you track your effort, you manage energy better

Boundaries create clarity.

3. Good intentions don’t always lead to good outcomes

When we step into roles we’re not trained for:

• Mistakes can happen
• Rework may be needed
• It can end up costing more time than it saves

In short, helping is not always helpful.

4. What you do repeatedly becomes expected
This one hit home for me.

The more often we pick up tasks outside our role:

• The more it becomes “normal”
• The more it becomes expected
• The harder it becomes to step back

Over time, we don’t just stretch—we get silently reassigned. When that happens, every small thing can feel like a huge sacrifice and it all adds up into a major grievance.

5. This extends beyond work
This mindset shows up everywhere.

In parenting: If we always step in, our children don’t learn independence.

In leadership: This lesson becomes even more important as you step into leadership.

Because leadership is not about doing more. It is about enabling more.When leaders constantly step in and take over:

• They solve problems faster—but weaken the team
• They become the bottleneck
• They unintentionally signal, “I don’t trust you to handle this”

Over time, the team stops taking ownership. And everything flows back to the leader. Sometimes, the most effective thing a leader can do is not step in. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it’s slower.

There is a difference between: Supporting your team vs Substituting your team

One builds capability. The other creates dependency.

In relationships: When roles and boundaries are unclear, tension grows.

A personal example: When I entered a relationship as a divorced parent, I had a very intentional conversation with my partner about roles. Instead of stepping into a “father” role, the focus was on building a strong, respectful friendship with my child.

That clarity reduced anxiety, avoided conflict, and allowed each person to stay in their rightful place.
So what changed for me?

Adopting this mindset didn’t make me less helpful. It made me more intentional.

Now, when someone comes to me with a request, I pause and ask:

• Is this my responsibility?
• What is the impact on my priorities?
• Am I the right person—or just the available one?

And sometimes, I say no.

 

What I’ve gained

Since making this shift:

I still contribute meaningfully at work
I protect my energy more deliberately
I have clearer boundaries
I experience less resentment and more peace
My relationships feel healthier and more balanced


And interestingly—when I do choose to help, it feels more genuine and impactful.

Final thoughts

Ultimately, this is not about doing less. It is about doing what matters—well. It is not about refusing to help. It is about helping wisely.

Because sustainable performance, strong teams, and healthy relationships are not built on constant overextension.

They are built on:

• Clear ownership
• Mutual respect
• And the discipline to know when to step in—and when not to

Sometimes, being a true team player means allowing others to play their part too.

So the next time something falls through the cracks—will you step in, or step back?

Are you going through something similar?

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

Book a Free Call Learn More