Fighting Parents

Years ago, I read a book and translated a Chinese book one by one of my teachers into English.. the book titled Love and Reconciliation is about a psychology model used to explain how family dynamics in the family and how parents and even our ancestors have a direct or indirect impact on our lives, our life pattern and our actions.

The book states that as in every system, there has to be some sort of order and hierarchy. The same goes for our family system. So the parents, having come into the family first will be "bigger" in this sense and the children, having come to the family later will be "smaller".

But whenever the mum and dad gets into a quarrel, sometimes one of the partners unconsciously want the drag the child into the quarrel and manipulate them or make use of the child to attack their partners.

 

Sometimes, the child himself, will unconsciously start to take sides and may try to help by taking on the anger the parents feel for each other. 

As a result, the child is affected and not just he will have many unexplained emotional outbursts towards the father or mother, he may also lose interest in his studies.. the effects are far reaching and may even affect the relationship between him and his wife when he gets married!

I remember that something happened years ago to drive this point in. I remember so clearly because I actually wrote this down somewhere!:) 

I was working hard on my translation and had only slept at 4am in the morning. I got woken up unwillingly when my son started playing Kinect loudly on TV.

When I walked into my bathroom, the whole bathroom was in disarray! It looked as if someone tried  to rob the toilet. There were opened bottles, toothpaste with their contents spilled everywhere. And to add to that, my towel on the floor beside the toilet bowl!

Boy was I mad!

I asked my son if he did this and he said he didn't. This must mean someone else came home late after drinking and got too drunk!

Against my better judgement, I started grumbling to my son about the incident... "Why did he throw my towel on the floor next to the toilet bowl???? go throw your own towel... why throw mine?????"

But shortly after I complained, I started to have the awareness of what I was doing.. I was manipulating my son into taking sides! So I stopped. 

When his dad woke, we sorted it out and I forgave him.

But in my son's mind, we did not come to a conclusion.. so when we went out, he was pouting all the way. I asked him why he was pouting and he said he is upset because we are fighting and haven't made up yet. I told him then that I had forgiven Daddy already and once he is certain we are really ok already.. he was his happy self again.

I then shared with my son what I learnt in the book.. that when our parents are in a fight, as children, because it is not in our position to interfere, we should not take sides or take it upon ourselves to resolve it. Cos this is their fight and we have to respect the way they interact with each other and just love them no matter what. 

"So if me and daddy ever do quarrel again, you must remember that this is between us and has got nothing to do with you. You do not need to do anything. Just love us and trust us to sort it out ourselves.. ok?"

At 7 years old, I don't know how much he understood but I am glad I read the book and caught on to what I was doing before he became anything big or ugly... 

I think for a healthy marriage, this can still be quite easy to do. However, if this were happening in the midst or towards the start of a divorce, it might feel quite challenging to remain neutral and not get our children to take sides. 

I recalled at the start of our discussions about divorce, I couldn't wait to tell the whole world what a bad guy he was and how wrong he was. The only thing that was holding me back and motivating me to remain neutral is how after so many years of personal development workshops, I am very clear how the biggest loser in a big fight between parents will always be the child. 

So the next time you are in a fight, for the sake of the happiness of your child, keep the arguments within yourself and dont forget to remind your child that this has nothing to do with them and they can help by just sending good loving thoughts. 

Are you going through something similar?

If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

Book a Free Call Learn More