It's Ok Not To Be Ok

When we stop running from our difficult feelings and start sitting with them, something beautiful happens. We raise our capacity to love—our Lovable Quotient—and everything around us becomes a little more compassionate and real.

A few weekends ago, I joined a workshop by a dear friend, sister, and teacher, Francine Girard, on a topic that really struck a chord—the Lovable Quotient.

Francine shared how she stumbled on the idea for this workshop. We often hear about IQ (Intelligence Quotient) and EQ (Emotional Quotient), ways to measure different abilities. But she wondered: why is there no measure for something as essential as the capacity to love ourselves—our Lovable Quotient?

As the session unfolded, we explored why self-love is so hard for many of us. Often, when we feel negative emotions or face tough moments, our first reaction is self-judgment or self-blame. We tell ourselves we’re not good enough, not okay, flawed somehow. And from there, the natural instinct is to push away those feelings, to “fix” the problem quickly.

Very often, we end up distracting ourselves or pretending that everything’s fine. But here’s the catch: How can we truly love ourselves if we judge every difficult feeling or experience as a sign that we’re “not okay”?

The path to self-love actually begins when we do this—sit with being “not okay”—and follow these three surprisingly simple steps:

1. Sit with “Not Okay”

This is the foundation. No judgment, no rushing to change or fix it—just allow yourself to truly feel whatever is there. Without self-blame or even self-pity, space opens up for kindness toward ourselves, even in hard times.

When we learn to be okay with our own struggles, we also become better at supporting others in theirs. As coaches and humans, this non-judgmental presence is incredibly powerful and healing. Sometimes, just knowing someone is there with us—without judging, without pity—makes a world of difference.

2. Accept What Is “Not Okay”

After creating room to sit with discomfort, the next step is acceptance. Acceptance isn’t about liking the pain or saying it’s right. It’s about giving yourself permission to experience life fully, with all its ups and downs.

When we stop fighting our struggles, we gain clarity. We begin to see that these moments aren’t “bad” per se; they’re signals—learning opportunities pointing us to something important within ourselves.

For example, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by work or relationships, instead of pushing those feelings away or labeling yourself as weak or broken, accepting them allows you to explore the underlying needs or boundaries that might require attention. This awareness becomes the first step toward positive change and self-care.

3. Embrace “Not Okay”

This might feel the hardest, but it’s also the most transformative. Fighting or rejecting negative feelings can drain us, but embracing them gently allows their energy to integrate with us. That energy can fuel growth, resilience, and confidence.

The "Aftermath" of Being Okay About Not Being Okay

I’ve been practicing these steps since the workshop, even attending a deep, four-day inner work retreat to work on it further. Yet I’m still human—I still catch myself rushing to “fix” things or seeking quick positivity.

For instance, in a recent coaching session, I found myself tempted to "fix" a negative emotion a client was facing. Thankfully, awareness stepped in and instead, the client and I simply sat with the tough feeling and just looked at it.

Even without actively trying to "correct" or change the emotion, the energy shifted by itself and the client mentioned feeling more peaceful at the end of the session.

Another personal example is my ongoing struggle with self-expression. I overthink, especially around authority or in difficult conversations, sometimes freezing or shutting down. Before this, I would often suppress these feelings, pretending all was fine. Very often, the end result was that I felt drained at the end of the day because so much of my energy was used to "hide" these emotions.

But now, as I’m learning to sit with discomfort without judgment or blame, I am regaining my self-love, my energy, and even my gifts around self-expression—from a place of neutrality.

This practice has given me courage—the courage to speak up honestly, hold difficult conversations, and be heard without blame. The surprising bonus? People often respond with appreciation, and those conversations bring deeper connection.

My biggest takeaway is this:
It is indeed okay not to be okay. In fact, not being okay is the doorway to self-love, greater resilience, and richer relationships—with ourselves and with others.

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If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.

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