I just finished this very interesting book. It is called Bringing Up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers The Wisdom Of French Parenting and is about an American woman who is married to a British husband and lives in France while bringing up their three children. Because of her exposure to the European, American and French parenting and educational methods, she started to wonder what it is that the French are doing right such that their babies are mostly fuss free and sleep through the night. She was also curious why their children behave themselves and play quietly when the adults are talking and why these children can sit quietly and eat whatever is put before them even when they are 2- or 3-years old. Eventually, she wrote a book to share her research information. The book eventually became an international bestseller and a bible for many new mums.
In case you want to read it, I shan’t spoil it for you by telling you what she said. Suffice to say, French parents and educators are quite different from most parents and have a rather different approach towards parenting due to their very different beliefs.
After interacting with Singaporean mums, Malaysian mums, Japanese mums, Korean mums, Filipino mums, Indian mums and European mums, and the European teachers in the past 15 months in Dubai, I dare say I have learnt a thing or two about parenthood in this land of the desert. And who knows, this might be the start of MY international best seller! :) But of course, this is no research discourse but just some thoughts I have, based on my observations and experiences here :)
What Sort Of Parent Am I?
First things first. I guess I am what you call a relaxed or easy-going parent. Or at least I would like to be one if I can help it. Somewhat like the French parents, I usually lay some ground rules for my kid and like to leave it to him to explore within the limited freedom he has. As a rule, my husband and I do not get involved in playground squabbles. He has to settle whatever that happens there himself, even if we are right beside him and even if the other party is big and mean. I believe in being friends with my children but am aware that a parent has to maintain a leadership position in the family to guide them. I believe that fetuses, babies, toddlers and children understand everything you say and even the things you feel but do not say. Since infancy, I have always spoken to my son as if he understood everything.The Kiasee (afraid to die/fail) and Kiasu (afraid to lose) Singaporean Parent
But I am ultimately still Chinese and still the kiasee and kiasu Singaporean. I remember that when my son, Ace, was very young and learning to walk and climb the stairs, we often kept him inside the playpen for his safety. I would like my son to be a little bit of a risk-taker but try as I might, as he learnt to climb up and down, I very often could not help but ask him to be careful in case he fell. Even if I could restrain myself, there would always be someone else -- my mum, my grandmother, my father-in-law -- who would be there to repeat loudly what I tried to just say silently in my heart. Or if not, they would chide me afterwards for not taking “enough” care of my kid. “What if he breaks his legs or his hands?” My father-in-law once asked with genuine concern before making us promise that we will always hold Ace’s hands when he is going up and down the stairs.And so, my son grew up to be a “scaredy cat” somewhat. Whenever he went to the playground, as long as he was not on ground level, he would look at the floor. Should there be holes on the floor (those tiny grooves) he would likely CRAWL across the floor even though he was really safe. No matter what we said to him or how we encouraged him, he would also REFUSE to jump into the pool when he went swimming.
I think we Singaporean parents also like to instill good manners, encourage our children to queue and to say their “please” and “thank you”. But we still value academic results over other things as Singapore is ruled very much by meritocracy.
Because we are also very tech savy, many Singaporean parents also use the ipad or the iphone as a make-do nanny. In short, I think we provide lots of academic knowledge and material comforts to our children but when it comes to building “heart” knowledge, I feel we can do more.
Here are a few lessons I feel we could learn from the parents in Dubai.
Lesson 1: Trust Your Children
2 weeks after we arrived in Dubai, we discovered a balloon house that was filled with air by a powerful fan in a toy store. It was an eye-opening experience on how NOT to be kiasee and how to trust your children.
At first glance, I noticed that there were no parents there. Most of them were seated around the area and just chatting amongst themselves with little regard for their children. Used to the sight of maids and parents hovering over their little precious ones, that was some sort of a surprise to me because many of those children looked like they were only between 4- to 5-years old.
As I watched on, I discovered that the balloon house wasn't safe at all! The house could only take five to six small kids at any one time and yet, there were seven to eight children crammed inside. As they were too heavy, the house kept crumbling and looked as though it was going to crumble and smother the children any moment.
Despite that happening, the parents continued to do their own things. They did not stop their children or asked them to leave. They just trusted that their children would know how to take care of themselves.
True enough, somehow, whenever the house was about the crumble, everyone playing inside would stop wiggling for a while and then when the house was fat and "strong" again, the little monkeys would jump all over and cause it to crumble again.
Buay kia see children sliding down with their hands and feet all over the place.
Perhaps simply because there is no one to keep telling them not to do this and not to do that and that this is dangerous and that will get them hurt, these children in Dubai are really buay kia see (not afraid to die)! Unlike Singaporean kids who will generally wait for their turns (because mummy and daddy will be nearby to remind them to QUEUE), the children here NEVER wait for their turns. Whoever gets there gets to slide first. If you queue, you will never get a turn! And when they do slide down, most of them do not slide down while seated on their bum. They actually do all sorts of stunts like lying down so that their heads will reach the bottom first or even tumbling down with their hands and legs all over the place.
Seeing that, my son had a culture shock! He actually tried to hide in the less crowded area in the balloon house to avoid jostling around with others. My husband, Max, said that this was a test for him and a test for us too.
We decided to do nothing and observed him. After about 10 minutes, the thought of missing out on the fun got too much and he too, started to jostle for the slide. In the end, we were very proud that Ace held his bases and even more proud that we managed to stand far away and never once stepped in and asked him to “Be careful, don’t fall down...”
The children we saw that day were mostly Emirati children but I think being kiasee is definitely a Singaporean trait because based on what I observed about the ang moh children in Ace’s school, they are no less adventurous than the Emirati ones.
And true enough, with the influence of his friends in school, a few months down the road, we were once again in another toy shop which had a pyramid sort of playground on display. Without warning, my son just climbed right up to the top of the pyramid (which was taller than my 1.8 metre-tall husband) and sat there. Our hearts went “Pik piak pik piak” as we tried to control our breathing and did all we could to bite our tongue and ask him to “come down because it is very dangerous.” Truth be told, we sort of missed the “scaredy cat” who was never adventurous and less prone to getting injured but we are proud and happy that he has taken bold steps forward.
I find that parenting with trust allows children to become more independent and as a result, more confident. It gives them a sense of adventure and a healthy sense of curiosity such that they are willing to try and do things they have never done before. After a year here, my son is confident to talk to anyone, even people he has never met before. He is more willing to try new foods, do new things and also is no longer afraid of most things he used to be afraid of. On his own, even though he is still Singaporean and retains a certain fondness for queuing up, he will hold his bases and not be afraid to tell the other children to wait for their turns.
Lesson 2: Let Children Be Children
Ace and his friends in his international school.
Because my son goes to an international school that does not teach Chinese, I have to give him daily lessons so that he can be conversant in his mother tongue.
Like most Singaporean teachers and parents, I have expectations that my son will sit still and concentrate on doing his work for an hour or two. I cannot remember how many hours I spent chiding him and nagging at him to sit still.
During a meet-the-parents session in school, I asked Ace’s teacher as to whether he was behaving himself in school. He just nonchalantly replied, “Oh, Ace is great. He is rather active but little boys all are… I just remind him to focus on his work... ” And that was the end of the story. I must say I was rather impressed with this response.
But that doesn’t mean they allow the children to overstep their boundaries. One day, he returned home and told me that he had been punished. The reason was that he was chatting with his friends about Gangnam Style while doing work. His teacher told him that he was a little noisy but she didn’t mind him talking as long as he finished his work. (Can you believe that?!) But he got more and more excited and in the end, before he finished his work, he stood up to dance Gangnam Style and so was given detention to finish the work he did not finish due to his dancing.
Every now and then, Ace comes home and tells me that he is being punished for this and that. But not once has the teacher mentioned this in our meetings with each other and not once has she asked to see me.
I learnt then that children will be children. They will always carry out little acts of naughtiness from time to time and if we acknowledge that and just take it as it is, we have less expectations and get upset less. By giving them the permission to be a little naughty at times, we also give our children the freedom to be spontaneous. Isn’t that what being a child is all about?
Lesson 3: Academic Results Are Not Everything
I am told that many schools in Dubai focus on academic results and like Singapore, children are usually given lots of homework. We were really lucky that the only school with a vacancy for Ace when we came over was a school that has a “no homework” policy. I can’t tell you how wonderful this is for me as a parent.This means that after Ace returns home from school, we actually have time for Chinese lessons, to read story books together and have deep and meaningful conversation about anything under the stars. We have conversations about politics in Singapore, religion, life after death, emotions, principles of relationships, principles of life and love, management of finance, share stories about our lives and play silly games together. These have helped us bond and have brought us closer together. It has also made my son become a more emotionally mature and sensitive boy who is always concerned for others.
On top of having no homework, exams are just a way to test if a student has learnt and is able to apply what is taught. The teachers merely inform us that the children will be having a series of test over the next few weeks. You are not told what they will be tested on what day and when. As a result, there is no exam stress for both the parent and the student. And does this mean that my son is doing worse than his Singaporean counterparts? I should think not.
When we were back last summer when Ace was 7, he got to do an immersion programme for a day in school through Camp@Home organised by the Overseas Singaporean Unit. Despite being there the very first time and surrounded by new people, my son raised his hands and answered as many questions as the other students in the class and even lamented to me that he did not get to do any homework because he was a guest student and did not have a workbook.
When I brought him out for a gathering with friends, my friend’s 10-year-old sat right next to Ace and they had an interesting conversation about science. Amazed at the amount of knowledge my son shared, the little girl ran to her mother and asked, “Just how old is he?…Is he intelligent or what?...”
In school too, they are being sent the message that behaving well is as important as having good results. They are given certificates of acknowledgement for doing their work well. They are given the same certificates if they are kind to others and helpful. These awards are given out during assembly and they receive it with the whole school clapping for them.
One of the awards my son received…
On top of that, there is a Star Of The Day program where children are made Star Of The Day and stars are put next to their pictures in the classroom for good behaviour. Like Hogwarts School in Harry Potter, there is also a house points system that rewards both academic excellence and positive behaviour. My son has received house points for being top in class for his Arabic test, for improving his running time, for being kind and helpful to someone else and even for being polite to teachers, etc. He receives an average of 15 house points a week and it gives him immense confidence and encourages him to strive to do better and put on his best behaviour at all times.
The school even made a little ditty about good behaviour and it goes like this:
Horizon Golden Rules
If you're in the playground, and no one knows your name
Don't feel sad and lonely, just go and join the game
We are kind and we share,
Use our manners everywhere
We're polite, do our best,
Responsible, Honest
As we go around the school
Remember...
Horizon's Golden Rules
What a beautiful way to teach our children good manners. And I think this is not a unique to Ace’s school as my neighbour’s son was made Most Polite Boy in his class last month too.
Lesson 4: The Lesson Of Accountability
In Singapore, in our bid to love our children, some amongst us help to feed them, press the toothpaste onto the toothbrush, turn on/off the tap, pack the school bag or, wash the school shoes.But here in Dubai, many children are given lessons in accountability at a young age. It is really quite common to see the older brother or sister taking care of their siblings at shopping malls while their parents went about their ways freely. Very often, it is the case of a 7-year-old, taking care of, say, a 3-year-old.
In fact, young toddlers are often seen toddling away on their own, their parents following a little behind. Their eyes are on them but they do not really follow them around.
It is also not unusual for parents to leave their children in toy stores or bookshops as they go somewhere else to do their shopping and as a result, these children learn from young to be accountable for their own safety and their own actions.
In school, Ace usually has a meeting with his teacher at the end of a school term. They will discuss together what they have achieved and what the student would like to achieve. The child will then write down the things that he aspires to achieve in the next semester and the list is pasted in their book. It is their responsibility to see that they take steps to move closer towards their targets.
In addition, they hold a 20-minute one-on-one Parent-Child Conference where the children read out their target to their parents and explain to their parents what they have done in the past term.
Being given this chance to be accountable, Ace is often looking at his list and thinking of ways to achieve the targets that he has set. His teacher even takes note when he is trying to tick something off his “list” and gives him housepoints for trying! When he is able to achieve the targets set, he feels good about himself and feels more confident.
With his increased confidence, it has also given us as parents the confidence to allow him to be more accountable for his own things. And now that he is 7 going on 8-years-old, he has already learnt how to iron his own shirt, make his own pancake breakfast, pack his own school bag, fold and keep his own clothes, pack his own cupboards and drawers, fry an egg, cook rice and even bake a cake all by himself!:)
Very often, it is a positive cycle as with every new thing that he discovers that he can do for himself and be accountable for, he feels even more confident and attempts to do even more which is just about a win-win situation for us parents!
With these lessons in mind, will I still stay a kiasu and kiasee Singaporean parent? It is invariable I guess. I am still often tempted to ask Ace not to do this or that because it is “dangerous”. I still get annoyed when he is up to his crazy antics. I still worry about his results every now and then and worry about how he will assimilate back into the Singaporean school system if we do go back. I am still tempted to do everything for him as my mum has done for me. Even when he asks if he could do something by himself, I will often think twice or thrice before agreeing to let him try. I guess the kiasu and kiasee genes are deeply embedded and ingrained in my body and soul.
BUT, I shall approach parenting with much more awareness about how things can be done differently and how this difference actually raises the quality of life and improves the relationship and bonding between a parent and a child.
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