I don’t mind having the same conversation. My purpose of being there is just simply because I remember a good friend and teacher, Lency, reminded me when my other grandma was on her deathbed that when people are dying, all the more it is important that we bring our hearts closer together with them.
This time round I think we will have more time to do that… since she is not yet in super critical condition.
When I arrive, she will always ask me, “Why are you here again?” or “Why so late you still here?” To which I will tell her “Sky still bright mah… not very late yet..”
The next most common one is that she will ask us to go home. Usually the first “go home tirade” starts at the 3 minute mark of our visit.
She will keep telling us, “Don’t come and see me everyday.. just come once in the blue moon. You have the heart to visit me, I am happy but I don’t want you to be tired out. At home you can do what you like (sometimes not enough chairs to sit in hospital if 2 pax visit at same time), and you all are so tired after work, dun travel here and there to visit me… if you have time, you go home… you take care of yourself , take care of your children, take care of your mother and rest, or you pack the house…. This place is no good one.. all are patients… all are sick.. it is very bad for you.. go home already…”
And my most common reply is.. “But I just sat down!” or “Ok, 5 more minutes I will go home…”
One time I hit the 20min mark and tell her 5 min more I will go home for the 4th time.. then she ask me, “Why you so stubborn and don’t listen to my words… Is not don’t want you to visit.. it is for your own good I ask you to go home….” So when I finally did go home… she raised her thumb and told me…
“Ah, you GOOD! You listen to me!” 
Grandma is always very concerned about her dignity too. For some reason, if she needed to be changed or fed medicine.. she will grow agitated and ask us to go home…. And say “tolong tolong lah… pls go home lah…” Cos she feels like if she poops in front of us even in diaper, “the smell is very bad for you one…”
My guess is that it is partially cos she is clean freak and thinks changing diaper is a “dirty job”… and partially cos she knows she is bleeding and is worried we will see blood and be worried.
One time I visited her while she was sleeping and when she woke up and saw me, she was super disoriented and shouted at me… almost crying, “Tolong lah.. go home lah.. they gonna change me.. you go home lah.. please… “ and since she was agitated I walk far away to sit down at a chair. Then I let the nurses do their thing and after a few min when she calmed down.. she kept looking over in my direction. I thought her eyes not so good so she might not realize that is me.. but she look over and waved me over.. then she told me it is not that she didn’t want me to visit and she also ask my mum and sis to go home when they visit… and she will keep telling me it is for my own good cos here a lot of patients ‘so is bad for you one…”
She will also always ask us not to bring our children to visit her cos hospital is not good for them. This includes my son, Ace who is already 20! She will tell me ask Ace not to visit. BUT, everytime without fail, she will ask me where is Ace or if she recalls, whether Ace is still in the army.
When I say he is in camp, she will ask me when he will be back. I will say Friday and she will ask me what day is today… which tells me she miss him and wants to see him. Then usually after she will tell me he looks handsome with his botak head… or that he is really a very good boy. Once, she even recalled about when Ace was young, before we moved to Dubai, we were staying with my parents about how she will wake him and make milk for him daily in the morning.
Every wkend I will bring Ace to visit and if Ace gets time to talk to her 1-1, she will look very happy. But of cos as most conversations go.. after 3-5min she will start to ask us to go home…
Another person she is concerned about is my boyfriend, J. She will ask me if he is not here with me.. whether he is driving cos he always drive us around and drop us first. And if I tell her he is working, she will look like she is at ease and say… “working is good..” One time in a rare lucidity, she even asked me about my ex husband and whether he was still in touch with Ace. I told her yes and she told me that she thinks I am better off with J “because he is better….”
She is also very concerned about my Aunt (my dad’s sister). She will always ask me if my aunt visited me, and if I say no, she will look worried. I tell her we keep in touch over the phone and she will say, “Good good.. talk over phone is good… cos she is very old already now…” I guess she just wants someone to be in touch to know my aunt is doing well. My mum says she often asks her about my eldest uncle and second aunty too.
Other than being concerned about the people closest to us, her most other frequent conversation is about how she hated to be a burden on other people. “Haiya, dunno why I get this sort of illness, cannot even walk and need people to take care of me.. burden to everyone.. make you all come visit all the time… this is such a torture (I am so surprised she used the Chinese phrase “折磨”consistently to describe her experience since she usually only speaks simple mandarin) and they keep poking me and flipping me around…. I just want to die straight… just let me die simply.... but everyday I wake up I still never die…..”
To my mum only, she will add… “I didn’t do any bad things in life.. why did heaven torture me like this…” To which we always remind her that she also has had a good long life to only fall sick in her 90s. And we visit her cos we love her and miss her mah.. plus it is ok one cos we live near the hospital… I also tell her I am young still.. travel abit is ok one… to which she will tell me, “No no.. you all work is very tiring one.. I know you all very tired after work… “
Then the other thing she is most concerned about is whether there is anyone at home. She often chases my mum to go home cos all her important things are at home. As she was not sure if she can return home alive, she kept telling my mum to go to this place and that place to get her important stuff. Before my mum found it, everyday she complain she never find (this one she only complain to my sis.. not to me). And then once she found it, she will nag my mum to stay at home because it is always good to have someone at home..
To put her mind at ease, I always tell her my mum is good girl now.. she never go out just stay at home to chant and pack house….. which is another thing she concerned about.. the house must pack cos cannot be messy….But chanting she is not so fond of.. she always tell me dunno why my mother chant so much… agar agar already can… cos heaven will protect if you chant little bit, dun need to chant so much one…
Then she will complain dunno why my mum “tok” (sound of pressing finger on phone) handphone all the time.. last time never one.. now everyday tok tok tok.. LOL… My sis says ya cos my mum watch tik tok.. LOL
Grandma also hates to take bitter medicine. One time she warned me that if the nurse ask me to feed her medicine, “You cannot listen to them okay! The medicine is so bitter and so yuk! You cannot help them….. promise ah.. promise ah???”
One rare time cos I visited her when I was working from home during lunch.. she asked me why I wasn’t working.. and then I said I just come during lunch and she nagged at me… “What your boss ask you to do.. you have to do properly… dun need to visit me if you are busy… “ So I told her I finish my work and boss say can visit her
As after taking into consideration what we think her choice might be and her current health, age… we have opted for no treatment and going for pallative care, it just feels super real.. that I am going to lose my grandma in the near future. I write this down to honour the memories that we have together in this last leg of her journey as to what a loving, kind, caring and responsible person she is.. that even in her dementia state and in the physical pain she is feeling, she is still caring constantly for other people and loving us in her own way.
I can’t say though that this piece is written solely to honour her and doesn’t carry any attachments. I have lost 3 grand parents and a father before this and thought I am seasoned and know what to do… but it has been the hardest hardest experience to come to a place where I can accept her choice of wanting to just die and tell the doctors to give up treatment.
My friends tell me that letting go is a good choice, cos we let go earlier they go to heaven earlier or go to their next life earlier. I know that. From so much POV training, I also know letting go is good for the departing ones too… but it is just so very hard, especially she has dementia and I keep second guessing myself … what if I guessed wrongly…
The other day I spoke to my dad’s geriatric doctor to ask for advice. I told him I don’t know if we made he right decision cos we are just guessing in the blind. Everytime I tried to talk to grandma and ask her what she wants, she will change topic or look away. One time my mum tried to talk to her, she also tell her, “不要跟我讲这些…” (don't talk about this...) and she everyday tell us she wants to die.
I feel comforted we were respecting her wishes and doing what she wants when Dr C asked me, “Isn't this already an indication of her decision?” and told me it is very good that my grandma is able to decide for herself what she wants.
This doesn’t make the decision easier. On one level, I feel more relaxed after we have a conclusion and I informed dr about what the family wants. But on the other, I cannot help but tear especially when I think about it late at night in bed.
For now, I guess it is a one step at a time thingy. We treasure what little time we have left with her and everyday, I just remind myself to let go and commit to grandma’s greatest truth. And I pray also that if she has to leave, that when it is time to do so, she leave with ease, in peace and painless, with dignity.
Postscript a year later: Grandma passed away peacefully in April 2026. In the time we had with her, I am grateful for the chance to have learnt so many lessons from her and to spend her last months with her. It comforts me much to know that she passed on very peacefully and in her own terms. It was almost as if she decided she no longer as any regrets and it is time to go.
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