Though it is such a simple concept, I only started to understand what it really means to be accountable for myself a few years after I heard of this concept...
Even today, I still struggle sometimes about being accountable for everything in my life. Especially the bad things. Like when I went to my coach and complained about a relationship problem I had, he asked me why I wanted this to happen and my first instinct was really to show him my middle finger.. LOL.. (sorry, sorry, I love you still!)
So what is Accountability?
Accountability is having the mindset that every experience we have now is a result of our own choice. If we recognize it, we will regain the power to change our life. If not, we would often feel powerless/ weak/ inadequate. Because if the issue is other people, that would be something we cannot change since we can't tell other people what to do or how to behave.
In psychology, everything we see around us is a reflection of some part of our mind. If it it brings out a positive emotion for us, there is some sort of positive association with that part of our mind and a positive self belief around that thing we see.
If we feel a negative emotion (eg, irritation, anger, sadness) when we see something or someone, it is a reflection of a negative part of our mind. Very often, it is a "warning sign" to remind us that there is something here that requires healing so we can become whole and happy again.
The tricky part is, we see the parts of our minds we don't like most in the people we love most.
In psychology, everything we see around us is a reflection of some part of our mind. If it it brings out a positive emotion for us, there is some sort of positive association with that part of our mind and a positive self belief around that thing we see.
If we feel a negative emotion (eg, irritation, anger, sadness) when we see something or someone, it is a reflection of a negative part of our mind. Very often, it is a "warning sign" to remind us that there is something here that requires healing so we can become whole and happy again.
The tricky part is, we see the parts of our minds we don't like most in the people we love most.
The usual suspects are... our parents and our partners, our siblings. Sometimes though, these mirrors are people we know like our bosses, colleagues or friends as well. Sometimes they can even be international figures that are well hated (like Donald Trump or Hitler).
The World Is Our Mirror
In order to understand how this happens, we need to explore this phrase "the world is our mirror".
The human mind is made out of millions of diff parts. Many of these parts have their own logic, thinking and behavior.
Sometimes, through an experience we have while growing up, we decided we don't really like a certain part of ourselves or our minds and so we suppress this part and make sure we are never like that. But whenever we see people like this, we are reminded of this negative self concept and we start to feel angry at this person.
For example, I don't like greedy people. Every time I see someone who is greedy, I feel really angry or annoyed at them.
So what is happening on the backend is somehow when I was growing up, I developed an idea or a belief that I was "greedy". Is it true? maybe, maybe not. Is this who I really am? Probably not.
The human mind is made out of millions of diff parts. Many of these parts have their own logic, thinking and behavior.
Sometimes, through an experience we have while growing up, we decided we don't really like a certain part of ourselves or our minds and so we suppress this part and make sure we are never like that. But whenever we see people like this, we are reminded of this negative self concept and we start to feel angry at this person.
For example, I don't like greedy people. Every time I see someone who is greedy, I feel really angry or annoyed at them.
So what is happening on the backend is somehow when I was growing up, I developed an idea or a belief that I was "greedy". Is it true? maybe, maybe not. Is this who I really am? Probably not.
But that is not important.
The important thing is, I BELIEVE I AM GREEDY. But because it is such a BAD THING to be greedy, I had a huge judgement on this part of me. So I decided I must NEVER become greedy and must always be good.
Chances are, I will either, find myself becoming greedy, feel guilty about it and do more of what i feel guilty about.
OR..
I might disassociate myself from it by telling myself, "I am never ever going to be greedy.." and whenever I see someone like tat and judge them, I insist, I am never like them!
But the thing is, the unconscious belief I have about myself as a greedy person is still there and still creating guilt for me (which can possibly create a lot of unwanted pain in my life).
So it becomes a thing that will call out to be healed.
Chances are, I will either, find myself becoming greedy, feel guilty about it and do more of what i feel guilty about.
OR..
I might disassociate myself from it by telling myself, "I am never ever going to be greedy.." and whenever I see someone like tat and judge them, I insist, I am never like them!
But the thing is, the unconscious belief I have about myself as a greedy person is still there and still creating guilt for me (which can possibly create a lot of unwanted pain in my life).
So it becomes a thing that will call out to be healed.
How To Heal Projection
And how does the universe do that for us?
It does that by projecting this negative self concept onto someone we know so that it will trigger negative emotions and with enough awareness and willingness, we can go, "Oh, I didn't know I have this illogical negative self concept that I am greedy! What can I do next to heal this?"
Sometimes after you heal this, the person seems to magically change (they don't need to help you act out or negative self concepts anymore). Sometimes, they don't change because that is just who they are. BUT the difference is that you will NO LONGER be triggered when you see them behave in that way.
We call this process of using people around us as our mirrors "PROJECTION" because we are projecting our self beliefs/concepts/thoughts on them.
The good news is, projection can both be POSITIVE or NEGATIVE. If you see a positive one, it means you believe that about yourself and that this trait is in you too.
We will however spend time on the negative projections here because they are the ones that bring up most awareness about our lives.
It does that by projecting this negative self concept onto someone we know so that it will trigger negative emotions and with enough awareness and willingness, we can go, "Oh, I didn't know I have this illogical negative self concept that I am greedy! What can I do next to heal this?"
Sometimes after you heal this, the person seems to magically change (they don't need to help you act out or negative self concepts anymore). Sometimes, they don't change because that is just who they are. BUT the difference is that you will NO LONGER be triggered when you see them behave in that way.
We call this process of using people around us as our mirrors "PROJECTION" because we are projecting our self beliefs/concepts/thoughts on them.
The good news is, projection can both be POSITIVE or NEGATIVE. If you see a positive one, it means you believe that about yourself and that this trait is in you too.
We will however spend time on the negative projections here because they are the ones that bring up most awareness about our lives.
Projection On Parents
Our parents are the easiest people to use as scapegoats whenever we are unhappy.
I lost count of the number of times I heard people say that they are unhappy/ have undesirable traits/ have unhappy relationships/ failed in their marriage "because my parents didnt xxx..." or "If they did not xxxx, I will not yyy..."
Gosh, when I first started out with little awareness, I was also thinking that I was a failure in life because my father didn't show me how to become successful!
But we have to be responsible for everything that happens in our life. If we believe that someone else is responsible for what is happening in our life, it means that we are helpless and we become a victim. If we choose not to be responsible for everything that happens in our life, it means that we do not believe that we can change and this belief will make us powerless.
Our parents may have passed on certain patterns to us. No doubt these patterns will become our patterns and our children's patterns but we have a choice! We have a choice about whether we want to pass these on to our children! We can choose to be different!
When we were deciding to be born, we chose our parents and we already knew what we were getting into. This family, with this set of precious parents is the perfect place to learn all the lessons we need to learn in this life. When we realize this, we will be filled with gratitude for them. (The worse your parents are, the harder they have to work to play the "evil parents" you know... ;))
If we have any form of resentment, it means we have not learnt the lesson.
If we blame our parents for some things and have grievances against them, in time to come, we will start to blame our bosses, our friends and also our other halves for the very same things.
If we have learnt the lesson, however, we will free ourselves and can help others who are trapped in the same trap.
Everyone can change. Everyone has a choice to move forward.
I lost count of the number of times I heard people say that they are unhappy/ have undesirable traits/ have unhappy relationships/ failed in their marriage "because my parents didnt xxx..." or "If they did not xxxx, I will not yyy..."
Gosh, when I first started out with little awareness, I was also thinking that I was a failure in life because my father didn't show me how to become successful!
But we have to be responsible for everything that happens in our life. If we believe that someone else is responsible for what is happening in our life, it means that we are helpless and we become a victim. If we choose not to be responsible for everything that happens in our life, it means that we do not believe that we can change and this belief will make us powerless.
Our parents may have passed on certain patterns to us. No doubt these patterns will become our patterns and our children's patterns but we have a choice! We have a choice about whether we want to pass these on to our children! We can choose to be different!
When we were deciding to be born, we chose our parents and we already knew what we were getting into. This family, with this set of precious parents is the perfect place to learn all the lessons we need to learn in this life. When we realize this, we will be filled with gratitude for them. (The worse your parents are, the harder they have to work to play the "evil parents" you know... ;))
If we have any form of resentment, it means we have not learnt the lesson.
If we blame our parents for some things and have grievances against them, in time to come, we will start to blame our bosses, our friends and also our other halves for the very same things.
If we have learnt the lesson, however, we will free ourselves and can help others who are trapped in the same trap.
Everyone can change. Everyone has a choice to move forward.
Projection On Partners
Projection on our partners is the next most common one.
It usually appears in our lives as a form of a relationship problem we have. That usually happens along the lines of "My xx needs were not met".
In addition to projecting self beliefs or concepts, we sometimes also project our thoughts about what we want or don't want on a partner.
The thing is, our mind is made up of :
It usually appears in our lives as a form of a relationship problem we have. That usually happens along the lines of "My xx needs were not met".
In addition to projecting self beliefs or concepts, we sometimes also project our thoughts about what we want or don't want on a partner.
Results =Intent
A teacher once told me, "If your partner does not give you what you want, it means you did not want it." And I was totally unable to wrap my mind around it because I felt like I REALLY WANTED IT very badly. "What do you mean I don't want it?" I asked.The thing is, our mind is made up of :
- Conscious mind - 4%
- Sub conscious and unconscious mind- 96%
Very often the sub conscious thoughts we have are well hidden from ourselves and our usual thoughts.
Notice that they take up a much larger part of our mind and are hence much more powerful even though they are hidden.
The golden key to finding out what's hidden (so we can work through it and have a beautiful life) is to look at our partners who are acting it out for us.
Eg, if your partner doesn't want to give you sex and you are feeling upset, it means 4% of your want it but 96% of your doesn't want sex.
If we don't accept this and insist that our partner is not giving us what we want, then we continue to be unhappy and blame our partners. Compared to a happy a beautiful life, I would say that is a less desirable outcome;)
If we accept that we are the ones who didn't want it, we can have the space to explore what is holding us back, what mental blocks we may have around the issue and we can move forward with our partners easily after working on it.
If there is anything you want in your relationship and it is not happening, because there is a split mind between wanting and not wanting.
We can only fully receive and enjoy something only when we want it with our whole hearts.
This isn't always an easy task. It is very annoying to get triggered and go, "What?! That's me again?" for the millionth time.
And our ego mind sometimes tricks us into thinking that taking accountability means we are are fault for something or we are wrong or not good enough (when it is CLEARLY the other party's issue!). This makes it even more difficult to remember that results equal intent because who wants to always be wrong, right? ;)
The truth is, remembering that something is our choice doesn't mean we are bad, or not good enough or that we are wrong for that matter. It is just about understanding that we made a choice because we misunderstood who we really are or what we really want or why we cannot or should not have something. But that is why we have souls lessons to learn and get to come into this world to have fun!;)
Practicing accountability take time, takes practice and requires that we choose to engage and see the world at a Level 6 (You can read more about energy levels here) and build on this awareness as we experience life.
In conclusion, practicing accountability helps us to :
Are you willing to pay the price?
The golden key to finding out what's hidden (so we can work through it and have a beautiful life) is to look at our partners who are acting it out for us.
Eg, if your partner doesn't want to give you sex and you are feeling upset, it means 4% of your want it but 96% of your doesn't want sex.
If we don't accept this and insist that our partner is not giving us what we want, then we continue to be unhappy and blame our partners. Compared to a happy a beautiful life, I would say that is a less desirable outcome;)
If we accept that we are the ones who didn't want it, we can have the space to explore what is holding us back, what mental blocks we may have around the issue and we can move forward with our partners easily after working on it.
If there is anything you want in your relationship and it is not happening, because there is a split mind between wanting and not wanting.
We can only fully receive and enjoy something only when we want it with our whole hearts.
Benefits Of Practicing Accountability
Practicing accountability means accepting that everything that happened to us happened out of our own choice.This isn't always an easy task. It is very annoying to get triggered and go, "What?! That's me again?" for the millionth time.
And our ego mind sometimes tricks us into thinking that taking accountability means we are are fault for something or we are wrong or not good enough (when it is CLEARLY the other party's issue!). This makes it even more difficult to remember that results equal intent because who wants to always be wrong, right? ;)
The truth is, remembering that something is our choice doesn't mean we are bad, or not good enough or that we are wrong for that matter. It is just about understanding that we made a choice because we misunderstood who we really are or what we really want or why we cannot or should not have something. But that is why we have souls lessons to learn and get to come into this world to have fun!;)
Practicing accountability take time, takes practice and requires that we choose to engage and see the world at a Level 6 (You can read more about energy levels here) and build on this awareness as we experience life.
In conclusion, practicing accountability helps us to :
- Regain our power of choice
- Regain our power to lead the lives we want
- Power up in our lives when we follow the "hints" in the many mirrors around us
- Enjoy a wonderful relationships with the people we love
- Lead a beautiful, happy life filled with love, joy and peace
- Help other people who are trapped in their own lessons and everyone gets to move forward with ease
Are you willing to pay the price?
Are you going through something similar?
If this resonated with you, I'd love to have a conversation. I work with people navigating life's biggest transitions — divorce, loss, change, relationships, parenting, and health. Book a free 30-minute discovery call and let's talk about where you are and where you want to go.
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